It doesn't actually talk to me. It hasn't told me--yet--to off myself or any of my neighbors, nor has it informed me that Satan is living in my sock drawer or that Michele Bachmann is really an alien from the planet Xzchery. (Those of you who know my life know I shouldn't really be joking about this, but those of you who know my life also know I joke about everything. So, uh, chill.) But despite its lack of literal verbal communication, my bodymedia has been telling me a lot of things. Want to hear some of them? Too bad, you're going to anyway.
My bodymedia tells me that while I was lying on the table at my acupuncturist Marcy's the other day for over half an hour, being very still so as not to dislodge any acupuncture needles before my chi was properly adjusted, I was asleep. While I often nap a little at Marcy's, and while I may have been drifting in and out a bit this Wednesday, I was definitely not asleep for more than thirty minutes. Therefore I must conclude that while my bodymedia knows when I am lying down and it knows when I am being very still, it incorrectly conflates the combination of the two with slumber. Thus I cannot take its sleep total and sleep efficiency figures as anything than a rough estimate. That being said, it's instructive for me to realize that in the almost three weeks I've owned it, I have yet to have a single night in which I've gotten eight hours. Most nights I get six and change. I'd probably have bigger muscles if I were getting more rest. Yeah. I'm sure that's the problem.
My bodymedia does tell me that when I am actually sleeping, I burn more calories per minute than I do when I am awake and typing away at my computer, like now. Basically, when I'm on the internet, it thinks I'm dead. Okay, not really. Just comatose. I mean, .9 calories/minute? Seriously? When I can go good swatches of the night burning 1.2/min asleep? See, if I slept more, not only would I have bigger muscles, I'd probably have a six pack. Good thing I don't want a six pack and I like my bodyfat and, y'know, I'm BULKING, or I'd be taking a nap right now in work instead of writing this post.
The final weird sleep-related thing my bodymedia tells me is that I take steps during the night. I don't mean, steps to the bathroom and back, which does happen. I mean four random steps at 2am and another seven at 4. Things like that. The best I can figure out is that I occasionally wake up enough to sit up in bed, then throw myself back down, and the bodymedia registers my bounce as a step. Either that or I am getting out of bed and walking towards the closet in the middle of the night. Probably to check if Michele Bachmann is in my sock drawer or something.
The bodymedia also tells me that on squat day, like yesterday, which leaves me staggering out of the gym I am so spent, and so sore the day after (that'd be now) that just standing up out of my chair is an activity that takes forethought, I burn approximately the same number of calories I do sitting in my garden/on my patio pulling out weeds for an hour and a half, which takes very little physical effort at all. This is, on one hand, aggravating--all that pain should translate to hard numbers of the giant variety, as far as I'm concerned--but also enlightening. That's the hugest surprise for me, both from my own data and from what other people report: the amount of calories that are burned doing extremely non-taxing everyday activities, like walking around the mall and vacuuming the house and such. It seems to corroborate those alarmist recent reports in the news about how sitting on your butt all day at work is gonna kill ya, even if you exercise when you get home, as well as my own personal pet theory which I feel inclined to rant on at every given opportunity: the reason Americans are all fucking fat is because they're too damn lazy to walk the three blocks to the goddamn 7 Eleven. Obesity crisis, my ass.
Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Apparently, if my bodymedia is not lying to me (like it does with those sleep-steps) then sitting at a desk burns coma-level calories and working out like a bastard burns some calories, but walking around at a non-strenuous pace for an extended period of time, standing more than sitting, and doing relatively easy physical activity, also for fairly extended periods of time, burns a crapload of calories. And if those alarmist recent news reports aren't lying to me (wut?), then it's that walking/standing/easy activity that's really good for your health, because of, or in addition to, the calorie burn.
I've probably shortened my lifespan by 3.8 seconds just typing this all out. God. I hope you all appreciate my sacrifice. I also hope you were all standing up when you read it. Because I care about your health. And how your butt looks in jeans. Etc.
Because I care about your mental health as well and I feel sorry for that giant wall of text, let's end with video. Video that has nothing to do with anything other than for me to warn you that my bodymedia tells me you'd have to squat *a lot* to burn off that much tequila.