i have consumer confidence in YOU

In lieu of wrapping the pile of Christmas presents sitting on the floor of my bedroom, washing my kitchen floor***, or doing anything else useful, I think I shall take this opportunity to present to you Andrea's Second Annual Holiday Gift Guide. And this year, you actually get it before Christmas. Always thinking of ways to serve you better, readers, 24/7 365.

1.) Gaiam yoga socks

Oh, look, that's your esteemed blog hostess doing her own modelling. More ways to serve you, readers! Just sayin'.

I don't, or at least haven't, worn these to do yoga. No, I have worn them to do my formerly barefoot (aka monkey feet) squats. I like to feel the floor under me and grip it with my feet, so much so that I was willing to risk athlete's foot or MSRA from those gross gym floors. With these Gaiam yoga socks, I don't have to. All the benefits of monkey feet, none of the squat rack health risks! Highly recommended stocking stuffer for the maladjusted weightlifter in *your* life. (Note: one of my friends is completely freaked out by the idea of toe socks; proceed with caution.)

2.) The Anatomy Coloring Book

Another great stocking stuffer! (Or, y'know, main gift if you're a cheap bastard. I don't know your life.)  I had one of these in massage school and I'm close to pulling the trigger on buying a new one.  We've got a long, cold winter upon us. Face it: we'll all probably get snowed in at one point or another. On those days blizzard conditions make it impossible to get to the gym or go for a run, your giftee can spend his or her time profitably learning the names of their individual quad muscles and hamstrings! Plus, coloring is fun. (Note: be a sport and throw in a nice box of colored pencils or markers. You don't want your giftee to have to venture out to the store in that blizzard when they realize all they have in the house is a #2 pencil and some ballpoints they stole from work.)

3.) North Face Osito jacket

Soooooo very soft. I've been known to visit this jacket in the athletic wear department of Nordstrom just to pet it. Don't judge. (Note: I just pet it, I haven't purchased it, SANTA. Ahem.)

4.) inversion table

I personally have always wanted one of these. Well, always since about 1996 when I first saw one in a Relax the Back store. And, no, not just for illicit sexual purposes. Having my spine decompressed sounds like a peachy idea, and I'm sure it feels just as good as having "traction" done during a massage. Besides, I could maybe grow an inch, which, when you are my size and probably shrinking even as we speak, is not to be sneezed at. So, yeah. If you have any tense, crunched-up short people on your gift list (and they enjoy head rushes), I suggest checking one of these things out! (Note: see the disclaimers about pregnancy and eye and back disorders. We here at MMINAE do not want to be responsible for anyone detaching a retina, yo.)

5.) The Yin Yoga Kit

I have recommended and/or loaned this out to so many people in the five years I've owned it and mentioned it so much on here before that I would be remiss in not including it in a gift guide. Your giftee's fascia will thank you. You want all your loved ones to have happy fascia, right? Right! (Note: yes, it's very hippy-dippy.  Deal.)

6.) Liquid Grip

Another Andrea-approved stocking stuffer. Gym doesn't allow chalk? Just don't want to deal with the mess?  Liquid Grip is non-messy, dirt cheap, lasts forever, and it works. (Note: it smells awesome too! Some women want to smell like Chanel No 5, some wanna smell like the weight room...)

7.) Nike+ sportwatch

I'm not much of a runner personally but I've heard good things about these. And you know I like gadgets. You probably know and love someone who likes gadgets too and who actually runs more than four times a year, so what are you waiting for? (Note: would the gps on this thing have helped me when I almost got lost and died 500 yards from my house? Probably not. You should probably still buy one, though!)

8.) "everything fits" gym bag

I swear to god, I don't work for Gaiam, I just like their stuff. (Note: they should probably send me some swag though, right?)

9.) stripey knee socks

You know you know someone who wants to deadlift in style. Save the shins! (Note: Rumor has it that Tarzhay is also a good source for these. And if they made it easier for me to grab a pic from their website, I'd have linked to them. But they didn't. So eff u, Target!)

10.) earbuds

C'mon, everyone always needs new earbuds. Those of us with weird ears like the ones that go in the ear canal and have the adjustable rubber bits. (Note: "adjustable rubber bits *is* the technical term. God.)

There. Ten gift ideas for your fit family and friends. Now get shopping! I know you can do it.

xoxo

***Amazing how much I wanted to do this when my doctor wouldn't let me and how much I don't want to do it now that I can any time I want. Ironic, Alanis, ironic.

oly lifting at the real olys

How disappointed am I that my very favorite tiny little Polish oly lifter, Marzena Karpinska, is not at the Olympics because she failed a doping test?  Let's watch some video of her from happier days, shall we?

Oh, I love her so much.  Why'd you have to get caught, Marzena?

That's a lot of rhetorical questions. Ahem.

Also out of the Olympics is 19 year old Albanian Hysen Pulaku, who tested positive for a banned substance just this Wednesday.  He should be at least somewhat consoled by the fact that even though his dreams of a shiny medal have been crushed, he's got the coolest name evah.  Here's Mr Pulaku, making an impressive lift just a couple weeks ago.

You know what's interesting to me?  These people don't look like they juice.  There are guys Mr Pulaku's size at my non-impressive ghetto Y.  They just can't do that.  But they don't look much different.

You know what is also interesting?  According to my impeccable sources (i.e. internet message boards), all these world class oly lifters use something banned during their training.  The difference between who gets dinged and who doesn't just depends on having doctors and coaches who are smart enough to know what to give you when so you don't get caught. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't, but I'm guessing it's more true than false.  Which points out the semi-absurdity of having a list of banned substances as long as my arm.  If everyone's using and everyone knows everyone's using, then the playing field is more or less level and who cares?  It's like steroid-era baseball.  You can argue till you're blue in the face that the records set then don't/shouldn't count or those guys shouldn't end up in the Hall of Fame, but a.) drugs don't make people who aren't premier athletes into premier athletes and b.) see above: no unfair advantage if all your peers are doing the same thing and c.) as far as records go, just training itself has come so far in the past 50 or 75 years, you can't compare athletes' physicality anyway.

Which gives me an excuse to post my most favorite of all old time-y baseball photos, Ted Williams getting a massage from his trainer.  Sorry for the size, but I could only directly embed the thumbnail from the slideshow.  I'm technically incompetent.  But STILL...

Ted, did you even lift??!??!!!  And yet you hit .400.

As far as I'm concerned, some/all of these performance enhancing drugs might as well be the equivalent of a modern-day weight room and the ability to watch endless hours of video of your own games/meets.  Scientific progress marches on and it's silly to forbid its fruits. There were great athletes doing great things without the benefit of them, but using them does not make someone who wouldn't be a great athlete anyway into a superstar/champion.  Feel free to disagree in comments, y'all.

Anyway, if you want to see which tiny little strong-as-fuck female weightlifter did win the 48kg class in Marzena's absence, NBC is showing the final at 12:30 am, so stay up late or set your TIVOs.  I won't spoil you even though I already know.

xoxo

in honor of st patrick's day

I don't have a drop of Irish or any other Celtic blood in me, kids, though occasionally people assume I do. It's the fish-belly white skin and the freckles. Nevertheless I thought it would be culturally relevant to post some Highland Game videos in Celtic solidarity and appreciation of freakish feats of strength and, y'know, probable drunkenness. Plus, big guys in kilts. ::drool::

Sadly, though I could probably watch a man in a kilt do just about anything, finding good youtube clips has been difficult. Many of them are, well, badly, badly filmed. (I blame this on, uh, whiskey.) And then badly, badly edited. (Probably more whiskey.) In searching for these, I had to take it back--I canNOT watch a man in a kilt do *anything*. I was nexting videos left and right. What a sad comedown. Nevertheless, let me share a bit:



That one's hilarious because apparently--correct me if I am mistaken--these Games were held in Austria. Is there a big ex-pat population there or are those Austrians just looking for another excuse to go drinking outdoors? Don't answer that. Just enjoy the music.



Nothing phallic about that sport, is there?



Competitive hay bailing is apparently a thing. Who knew? ::cough:: whiskey ::cough:: Also? Someone ought to tell the guy who wanders into the shot wearing a cowboy hat with his kilt that he looks like a douche.



I'd respect those guys more if they hadn't pansied out and worn bike shorts under the kilt. Eh. Maybe it was a rule or something. Goddamn Establishment always bringing me down, man.



Okay, seriously, that's a nicely produced overview of the kind of thing they do. I like the hammer throw. I myself would, like, clock myself in the head the first time I tried it and my illustrious career would come to a screeching halt.

And now, to be culturally appropriate to my own heritage (and just because I lurve her so very, very much), here's a tiny little Polish chick with ethnically-congruent thighs lifting some heavy-ass weight.



Enjoy whatever heavy-object-lifting or whiskey-imbibing projects you have planned, kids!

xoxo

squat like an egyptian

It occurs to me that if Egypt is not in fact considered a third world country, I will have insulted and disrespected any Egyptians who wander through. I apologize in advance. I find it impossible to resist a blog title that amuses me or the opportunity to post tangentially related music video. Nothing against you, country of Egypt.

Okay! Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, go read this article and then return. Those of you who finish before the rest of the class because you're in the highest reading group or because you skimmed OR because you already did your pre-blog homework and read it when I linked it elsewhere, get to watch this.



Shut up. It's a reward, not a punishment.

Now let's discuss the article referenced above. I went into it thinking, yeah yeah yeah, easy peasy. My posterior chain is well activated! I'm reading Rippetoe right now and was reassured to learn the fact that my glutes, hammies, and adductors hurt more than my quads after squat day is *a good thing*.



Rip and Martha both think so. My posterior chain does what it's supposed to. Apparently. And not to mention, but I am the princess of hip flexor stretches. I may ignore many other parts of my body that need loosening, but I do keep my hips open.

So, yeah, I went into this exercise thinking I would ace it. How humiliating to find that if I attempt it the way the author proscribes, I go immediately onto my toes. The only way I can go into a deep squat with my heels flat on the ground is to spread my legs far, far wider than shoulder width apart. And even then, my feet roll to the outside edge. Damn you, 21st century!

Just like dips on the kitchen counters and kegels, this is something I'ma have to incorporate into my daily life. Can't hurt!

xoxo

fitness gift guide, top 11 of '11

"Oh, Andrea," you say. "You're a day late and a dollar short as usual. All the major winter gift-giving holidays have come and gone."

To which I say, Feh. Valentines Day is in 7 weeks. Don't you have a sweetheart? And if you don't, isn't that enough time to work on that gym hottie you've had your eye on? Plus, you've got Mother's Day and Father's Day and, c'mon now, the fitness enthusiasts in your life have birthdays, don't they? As do you. There are lots of gift-giving and -getting days in the year. Get with the program.

Disclaimer #1: this is a list of Andrea's Favorite Things, which is kinda like Oprah's Favorite Things except without the clout. Because I like lifting and I like yoga, these gifts are heavily weighed in that direction. I don't run much, don't really bike or swim these days, have played golf once in my life, and haven't held a tennis racket since they were made of wood (srs!). If those sports and activities are more your thing, well, you're just gonna have to find you another gift guide.

Disclaimer #2: because these are *my* favorite things, things that I own and love and use or things I wish Santa had brought me, the items on it that are not unisex are for the ladieez. If you have a penis or are buying gifts for someone with a penis, not all these items will be applicable. Sorry!

Without further ado, I give you eleven for '11.

1.) the Bodymedia Fit



You people have already heard me go on and on about mine. I love it. I will warn you, that sentiment is not universal. Some people feel that theirs was inaccurate for them. Mine seems quite accurate for me. Some people feel that they only had to wear it for a few days or a week to get all the useful data they're ever gonna get from it. I feel differently, because I happen to have wildly divergent calorie burns from day to day depending on my activities, and in long term trends, I am seeing just how many fewer calories I am expending in the winter as opposed to the summer, when I am apparently much more active as far as NEAT goes. Some people disliked theirs because they feel it fed into their OCD or eating disordered tendencies. I think that's a fair enough quibble. If data is gonna make you crazy or even crazee, this product is not for you. But if, like me, you fondly think of your body as a science experiment, you might just love one of these.


2.) a digital food scale



Talk about feeding the crazee. If you (or the fitness enthusiast in your life) are either dieting or bulking, well, hell yeah, you (or they) wanna know exactly what and how much you're eating. A digital food scale is key, especially one that weighs both in grams and in ounces and has a "tare" function. I particularly like the glass topped ones, because they are easy to clean if you decide to just slop a hunk of cheese on there without a plate. Um, not that I'd do anything slightly gross and messy like that. Yeah.

3.) the Iron Gym



Want to do something at home on those days you don't make it to the gym? Or maybe you just wanna get really, really good at pullups and impress your friends and/or that gym hottie. Put the IronGym up in your doorway and grow that back!


4.) Gaiam aluminum water bottle



On days you do make it to the gym, you probably wanna bring a water bottle, if just to avoid having to stand in line at the bubbler behind some douche who's filling up their water bottle. Ahem. But, uh, yeah, hydration is key! I love my aluminum water bottle, because I highly dislike drinking from plastic. Mine, which is orange paisley and matches the straps on my minimalist shoes, is apparently no longer made, but they have other attractive options. I will also warn you on these: reviews are mixed. Not everyone loves theirs as much as I love mine. Some people have complained theirs dented easily or that the design scratched off. Mine's held up just fine. Some people feel theirs gave their water a metallic taste. Eh. I kinda like the very faint metallic taste--it's like mineral water. And it's tastier than plastic, which I hate. Proceed at your own risk.

5.) micro plates



And when you get to the gym, what happens when you go to do shoulder presses and the 25 lb dumbbells are getting way too easy but the 30s are a crapshoot as to whether you can even get them up? Hmmm, you say, if only there were 27.5 lb dumbbells in this gym... Microplates to the rescue, bitches! Seriously, these are genius, and I am envious of anyone who got these in their stocking. Sigh. There's always Mother's Day. Or, y'know, not being a cheap bastard and buying them myself. But, seriously: you or someone you know needs these.

6.) magical miracle yoga pants



Yes, they are ridiculously expensive. Yes, they will make your ass look better than any other gym clothes you own. Case closed.

7.) UGG sneakers



What looks like a pair of Chucks but classier and more grownup and have slightly more support and, not to mention, shearling inside the heels and on the tongue, so your feet are cozy and never blister? These! And you can deadlift in them.

8.) You long-haired chicas who go to the gym know the deal. There's squat hair--a high bun so that you don't get your hair in the way of the bar. There's yoga or benching hair--a low pony or braid so there's no lump under your head when you're on your back. Maybe what you need instead or in addition is a headwrap.

You can go old skool and gangsta:

the classic doorag



You can get in touch with your holistic, spiritual side:

the hippie alternative



Or you can:

glam it up



Wearing one that looks almost exactly like that to squat today. I ain't even lyin'.

9.) the foam roller



And all of us who work out or play sports know the deal on this: you will have minor injuries. You'll tweak this and pull that. X will tighten up and y will spasm. Foam rolling is the next best thing to a massage for working out those issues.

10.) the foam roller on steroids



But if the fitness enthusiast in your life is already foam rolling and has been for awhile, they may just need to upgrade to one of these. Not for the beginner and not for the faint of heart. There may be pain involved. But it's good pain. Shut up.

11.) Or, you can just be a really, really excellent gift-giver and buy your giftee an actual (preferably myofascial) massage!



Pet peeve: as an LMT myself, I cannot tell you how much it irks, trying to find an image online of someone getting a massage that actually looks as if they're really getting a massage. By which I mean to say, with their face in the face cradle, not torqued to the side with a blissful half-smile on. But while I was doing that, I did happen to come across bonus content for my readers:



Snake massage. SNAKE MASSAGE. I did not know that was a thing. I didn't want to know that was a thing. If that seems like the perfect gift for someone on your list, well, uh, bless your heart!

xoxo

things my bodymedia fit tells me

It doesn't actually talk to me. It hasn't told me--yet--to off myself or any of my neighbors, nor has it informed me that Satan is living in my sock drawer or that Michele Bachmann is really an alien from the planet Xzchery. (Those of you who know my life know I shouldn't really be joking about this, but those of you who know my life also know I joke about everything. So, uh, chill.) But despite its lack of literal verbal communication, my bodymedia has been telling me a lot of things. Want to hear some of them? Too bad, you're going to anyway.

My bodymedia tells me that while I was lying on the table at my acupuncturist Marcy's the other day for over half an hour, being very still so as not to dislodge any acupuncture needles before my chi was properly adjusted, I was asleep. While I often nap a little at Marcy's, and while I may have been drifting in and out a bit this Wednesday, I was definitely not asleep for more than thirty minutes. Therefore I must conclude that while my bodymedia knows when I am lying down and it knows when I am being very still, it incorrectly conflates the combination of the two with slumber. Thus I cannot take its sleep total and sleep efficiency figures as anything than a rough estimate. That being said, it's instructive for me to realize that in the almost three weeks I've owned it, I have yet to have a single night in which I've gotten eight hours. Most nights I get six and change. I'd probably have bigger muscles if I were getting more rest. Yeah. I'm sure that's the problem.

My bodymedia does tell me that when I am actually sleeping, I burn more calories per minute than I do when I am awake and typing away at my computer, like now. Basically, when I'm on the internet, it thinks I'm dead. Okay, not really. Just comatose. I mean, .9 calories/minute? Seriously? When I can go good swatches of the night burning 1.2/min asleep? See, if I slept more, not only would I have bigger muscles, I'd probably have a six pack. Good thing I don't want a six pack and I like my bodyfat and, y'know, I'm BULKING, or I'd be taking a nap right now in work instead of writing this post.

The final weird sleep-related thing my bodymedia tells me is that I take steps during the night. I don't mean, steps to the bathroom and back, which does happen. I mean four random steps at 2am and another seven at 4. Things like that. The best I can figure out is that I occasionally wake up enough to sit up in bed, then throw myself back down, and the bodymedia registers my bounce as a step. Either that or I am getting out of bed and walking towards the closet in the middle of the night. Probably to check if Michele Bachmann is in my sock drawer or something.

The bodymedia also tells me that on squat day, like yesterday, which leaves me staggering out of the gym I am so spent, and so sore the day after (that'd be now) that just standing up out of my chair is an activity that takes forethought, I burn approximately the same number of calories I do sitting in my garden/on my patio pulling out weeds for an hour and a half, which takes very little physical effort at all. This is, on one hand, aggravating--all that pain should translate to hard numbers of the giant variety, as far as I'm concerned--but also enlightening. That's the hugest surprise for me, both from my own data and from what other people report: the amount of calories that are burned doing extremely non-taxing everyday activities, like walking around the mall and vacuuming the house and such. It seems to corroborate those alarmist recent reports in the news about how sitting on your butt all day at work is gonna kill ya, even if you exercise when you get home, as well as my own personal pet theory which I feel inclined to rant on at every given opportunity: the reason Americans are all fucking fat is because they're too damn lazy to walk the three blocks to the goddamn 7 Eleven. Obesity crisis, my ass.

Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Apparently, if my bodymedia is not lying to me (like it does with those sleep-steps) then sitting at a desk burns coma-level calories and working out like a bastard burns some calories, but walking around at a non-strenuous pace for an extended period of time, standing more than sitting, and doing relatively easy physical activity, also for fairly extended periods of time, burns a crapload of calories. And if those alarmist recent news reports aren't lying to me (wut?), then it's that walking/standing/easy activity that's really good for your health, because of, or in addition to, the calorie burn.

I've probably shortened my lifespan by 3.8 seconds just typing this all out. God. I hope you all appreciate my sacrifice. I also hope you were all standing up when you read it. Because I care about your health. And how your butt looks in jeans. Etc.

Because I care about your mental health as well and I feel sorry for that giant wall of text, let's end with video. Video that has nothing to do with anything other than for me to warn you that my bodymedia tells me you'd have to squat *a lot* to burn off that much tequila.



xoxo