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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

in which i again fail at making my point

Like all writers, your gracious blog hostess occasionally suffers from the odd case of I Know What I Want to Say But I'm Not Saying It or a bout of But That Isn't What I Meant, Damn It. It's frustrating when it happens, but not, y'know, unexpected. I'm sure Shakespeare went through that shit too.

What is unexpected, however, is when I cannot bend Google image search to my will. Google image search is nothing if not my biatch. And so it pains me to admit that when, earlier, in an attempt to proffer one Ms Serena Williams as the perfect example of "above average amount of muscle, average-to-above average amount of fat" (and, not incidentally, as an example of "OMG, what a freaking gorgeous body") this was the first pic I posted up:




This led to comments that while, yes, Serena looks hot as $&@*!*!&!*!! in that photo, she also looks lean.  Fair enough.  That *is* Serena looking her leanest.  I countered with this:



Serena with gorgeous muscles. Also boobs, a tiny bit of fat on her belly, and (what is to me) a very normal amount of thigh fat.  She looks like she has *a normal amount of bodyfat* for a woman here, not a below-average amount. And because it overlies a shit ton of muscle, she looks--to me, at least--stunning.

I was told this picture looks photoshopped.  Well, yeah.  It's from a magazine photo shoot.  Of course it's photoshopped.  I don't see how that changes that she has a.) muscle to die for b.) a healthy but normal amount of bodyfat  and c.) a gorgeous body.

So how about this?





A fairly unflattering non-photoshopped paparazzi shot. Can we agree now that she has an average amount of bodyfat with a huge amount of muscle underneath?  I won't ask you to agree with me that that sort of "thick" look in a woman is ideal, because, yo, everyone has their own taste and yours doesn't have to align with mine.***  But can we agree Serena does NOT have a lower than average body fat %, that she is NOT generally uber lean?  That was my only point. And I don't know why I care about making it. Sigh.



xoxo

***But if it doesn't, obviously your taste is crap.  Oh, I'm just kidding.  God.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

oh, look who's a badass, part 2

Plus bonus Versa Gripp SOS.

But before we get to that, can I just say two things? Firstly, since my last two posts on here, neither Mikey Lowell nor the Iron Gym peeps have called me. It's probably a problem with Sprint, right? I should refuse to pay my cell bill till that shit's straightened out. Secondly? You people are gonna rue the day I bought that camera. I can see it already.

So! I was kindly informed that with my hands as close together as they are in my first pullup video, I'm actually making it harder on myself, and that even though wide grip bothers my shoulder, I should try a little wider.  Here are the results.

Disclaimer: I'm even fatter in these videos than the earlier ones, since in the intervening time I ate a huge carby Mothers Day spaghetti dinner with my offspring. Luckily for you all, my shirt stayed on.

These are neutral grip x4.  It's funny, but on the assisted dip/pullup machine at the gym (without the assist, obvs), neutral grip feels even easier than underhand chins to me. Neutral grip on the Iron Gym feels more like a pullup. I can only surmise it's the position of the handles. Also? I got a set of five with these first but I had technical difficulties with the camera. Goddamn it.

video

And these are overhand pullups with my hands outside the handles. This was as wide as I could go without tweaking my shoulder and they were tough. As you will see. I got three.


video

And this is my proving I know how to put on my Versas and yet they still don't feel like they are helping.  This video's probably too dark for anyone to provide any help, but I realized my arms look jacked in it so you're gonna see it anyway. Ha!

video

xoxo


oh, look who's a badass

OR...give me my own infomercial now, please!

I've been stuck at 12.5 pounds of assist on the assisted pullup machine at the gym forever. They never seem to get easier, despite the fact that I've been able to do a bunch of chins for a long time.  I was whining in envy about one of my Amazonian friend's ability to do unassisted pullups despite weighing more than I do, and saying that I really wanted to be able to do them, when she said, basically, well, so what's stopping you?

With that in mind, yesterday I pulled out the Iron Gym Total Upper Body Workout Bar that I got for my birthday six months ago and installed it in the doorway. I figured trying and failing to get a couple unassisted pullups in the privacy of my own home would be less mortifying than trying and failing in front of my usual gym audience of old dudes, Dominican teenagers, and bros who walk in front of my video camera. And fail I did on my first try. So I busted out a bunch of sets of chins over the course of the evening in amongst my yoga stretching and foam rolling and Versa Gripp rehearsing, just for fun. And then on my way to bed I tried overhand pullups one more time, and unencumbered by thoughts that I couldn't do it, got TWO.

I left the Iron Gym up (despite the instruction booklet's stern warning not to do that [ha!]) and swore I would capture this for posterity today.

Disclaimer #1: I know I have no business taking video with my shirt off considering not only that I am bulking but Female Problems are making my bloated as fuck, but I hoped to be able to see my back muscles working in the vids.  Sadly, despite my ability to do chins and pullups, I apparently have no visible back muscle. So I shoulda kept my shirt on and saved y'all the horror. Oh well.

Disclaimer #2: These probably aren't strictly dead hang, but I think they're a'ight.

Chins x7


video

Pullups x4 (okay, 3 1/2--that last one's pretty shitty)


video

So what I'm saying is, Iron Gym people, call me!  I promise I'll go on a diet and/or keep my shirt on in the commercial. Plus, imagine what could be accomplished with professional hair and makeup!  You could spray paint some fake abs on me!

xoxo

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

the agony of defeat


This post is supposed to be all philosophical and about something completely different, but searching for that video has made me all nostalgic. So let me pause here to discuss ABC's Wide World of Sports and what an important part of my 1970s childhood it was.  But before we get to that--we watched a lot of TV as kids in the 70s (when we weren't running around outside all over the city unsupervised) and I blame this for why people of my generation are stupid. That and the fact that all our moms smoked when they were pregnant and no one was breastfed.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah, Wide World of Sports.  (If only mom had nursed me, there'd be 45% fewer digressions in this blog. Well, maybe.)  Wide World of Sports was on every Saturday afternoon, not long after Candlepins for Cash, the local television bowling show. (My 8th grade boyfriend, the first person I ever made out with, later appeared on and perhaps won Candlepins for Cash. This is the closest I personally have ever gotten to sex with a professional athlete, though I suppose it's not too late. Mikey Lowell, call me! Okay, digressions end...now.)

Saturday afternoons were also an awesome time in my childhood home because the 'rents usually went grocery shopping on Saturdays and that meant the refrigerator and cabinets were full of Good Shit to Eat by the time WWoS came on. So your blog hostess could sit down in front of the television with a bowl of Chunky Sirloin Burger soup and a real-sugar Coke and watch two hours or ninety minutes of obscure sports like curling, ski jumping, and oly lifting. Good.times.  ESPN of course destroyed all that.  Now with 600 sports channels we all can watch all the obscure and non-obscure sports we want any day of the week.  And all the charm is gone.

Get off my goddamn lawn.

Now let's get down to business. The agony of defeat.  I had a really bad gym day last Saturday, boys and girls. I was weak as fuck for reasons that were, and are, totally unclear. I came home Saturday night totally demoralized and I haven't stepped foot in the Y since. Oh, Sunday I had a perfectly good reason: a prior obligation that meant leaving my house early in the morning and getting home late in the afternoon. Monday I had a fairly good reason: worked late and then had some shiz that needed to be done at home. Tuesday?  No excuse other than overwhelming fatigue that led to my taking a long afternoon nap instead of going to work out.  Now, I am battling what is (hopefully) a minor health problem and it's easy to blame that for why I'm tired and sluggish and not chomping at the bit to get to the weight room. But if I'm being honest, I'm also psyching myself out, afraid I'm gonna have another crappy day. Which is all the more reason to Just Do It. Today. And I will.

Thrill of victory, coming right up!

xoxo