vile calumny and slander

Have you heard about the anti-cheese billboards in NY state? They were placed by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, a group whose agenda is vegan and who have heavy ties with PETA. Their contention that cheese makes you fatty fat fat therefore is less motivated by concerns about your health, dear consumer, and more motivated by their animal rights political agenda.

Well. We all know how I feel about cheese, don't we kids? When I first heard about those billboards at the end of last week, I pulled out my camera to document what cheese I had in my house. Note: end of week=running low on groceries.

There was shredded parm:



There were goat cheese crumbles for my salads:


There were babybels, which no one has been eating because we only like the yellow or orange ones actually:

There was good ol' white trash Land O' Lakes white American from the deli for cheeseburgers:



There was a hunk of champagne cheddar, bought after I tasted a sample on a Costco run with a friend:



And there was string cheese, a staple of my diet:

There was also a tiny bit of part skim ricotta left in the tub, which I unfortunately didn't photograph.

I did, however, photograph myself this weekend.



See how fatty fat fat my cheese-filled diet has made me?

Suck it, PCRM.

xoxo

here there be dragons

Here's my question to all y'all. In your fitness life, do you try new things? Or do you stick with the tried-n-true? In my admittedly limited experience, people mostly stick with what they know. At my Y, there are the pool people, and the Zumba/spin/cardio class people, and the cardio machine people, and the weightlifting people, and the yoga people. Oh! and the guys who just come to play pick up basketball. While the cardio machine people may wander over and do some half-assed weights and the weightlifting people may grudgingly grind out some cardio, what with the two areas right next to each other, I don't think there are a lot of pool people drying off and heading to Zumba or spinners squatting on their days off. And if there is anyone at my Y that takes advantage of all the fitness opportunities open to them, bless 'em, but I don't know who they are.

Of course, I count myself amongst the many. I lift weights. I grudgingly do some cardio on the machines. Outside the gym I go for walks and, rarely, runs in the nice weather, and I do just enough yoga on my own either on the mats after lifting or at home to keep my hips from completely seizing up. I have made it to one, yes *one*, actual yoga class in the almost a year and a half that I've belonged to the Y, and for god's sake, they're FREE. There are so many things I say I want to try, but do I ever make the time and effort? No.



I want to try spin class.



I want to try indoor rock climbing. (Not available of course at my ghetto Y, but one of our sister facilities in the fancy-pants neighborhood has one I could use.)



I want to try hot yoga. 'Cause having someone else fling their sweat onto me while I get in touch with my body and spirit seems fun. Or something. This however costs $$$.



I even want to try bootcamp some day despite the fact that a.) at my Y it takes place 3 days a week at 6:30am and the only physical activity I ever wish to engage in at that hour of the morning doesn't involve actually getting out of bed and b.) a friend who's a Vietnam-era vet laughs his ass off at upper middle class, middle aged people paying for faux "boot camp" and I can see his point.



Hell, I might even try water aerobics, if it wasn't almost entirely the province of little old ladies at my Y, many of whom use canes to make it to the actual pool. Eh. Maybe in 30 years.

So here's the thing. I am supposed to be on a rest week from lifting this week, mainly because all my weightlifting buddies gasped in horror that I haven't taken one since 4th of July. I'm bowing to the peer pressure. I'm sure my poor abused hammies will thank me. So what did I do today? I went to the gym and used the treadmill. Sigh. Not exactly breaking out of my rut, am I? Therefore I am setting myself a challenge. This week I will do one new fitness thing. And then I will report back, probably with humiliating but hilarious stories!

Stay tuned!

xoxo

P.S. If you have an idea for something you'd like to see me try this week (for my health and/or my readers' amusement), drop me a comment!

well, you gotta keep your boobs somewhere

Can we talk sports bras? I am in the market for a new one. The one I have, pictured above, is 2 1/2 years old and has seen better days. The black (or something else I washed it with) has bled into the white trim, which is now kinda greige. One of the hooks is cockeyed and I have to keep squishing it back into its original form so it doesn't poke me in the skin when I lean against it. It's been washed a lot--I wear it several times a week, even though strictly speaking I don't need it to lift in (it just comes in handy for sticking my iPod into***)--so it's probably not as supportive as it once was. Yeah, in general: seen better days.

I've been looking online for possible replacements. Why not just get the same one that's served you for 2 1/2 years, Andrea? you ask. Well. Look at the back view above. See that top set of hooks between the scapulae? Once upon a time, they were a pain in the ass to fasten, but doable. Now, not so much. I would LIKE to attribute that to my awesome lat growth and say my arms don't meet as well behind my back as they used to, but honestly, it's more like I impinged my right shoulder doing dips and my right arm doesn't reach around my back quite as well as it used to. So, first set of criteria for the new bra? One set of hooks.

I have a bunch of criteria, actually. The one set of hooks goes both ways: can't have two sets, can't have none. Oh sweet baby Jesus, no. None of that pull on over your head nonsense. If there is anything as maddening as trying to get out of one of those pull-on sports bras when you're sweaty, I dunno what it could be. When I had one years ago I can remember spending five minutes trying to peel it off my sweat-soaked body and then having to suppress the urge to fling it across the locker room in frustration and stomp on it. Never again.

Another crucial requirement? It must come in actual bra sizes. Small, medium, large doesn't cut it. It has to be an actual bra, not a sports top. Additionally, it must of course come in my actual bra size (or indeed, one size larger, because I have to size up in sports bras) and my bra size is not all that typical.

A not crucial but "it would be nice" requirement would be for it to not cost 60-something bucks like the last one. If I'm wearing it primarily to stash my iPod in, it doesn't have to have *quite* the level of engineering as it did when I wanted it primarily for running.

Let's look at some candidates, shall we?

Natori Sports Bra 34439


Pros: plenty of room to hold the ol' iPod, only costs $48, comes in colors like gray and red and black. Note: I prefer a colored sports bra to one that's white or flesh-toned, so that when the straps are showing under my beater, they look less like bra straps and more like another top.

Cons: it has underwire. Not sure how I feel about underwire in a sports bra. Hmmmmm...

Freya Active Underwire Sports Bra 4492



Pros: that's a damn nice looking bra.

Cons: it cost $60 and not only has underwire, but molded cups too.

Panache Full-Busted Underwire Sports Bra 5021


Pros: another nice looking bra.

Cons: costs $68 and not only has underwire but "contour pads". Wut? Now they're just fucking with me.

Anita Active Front Close Sports Bra 5523



Pros: in the black color, it doesn't look quite so much like something your Great-aunt Madeline wears in the nursing home. It doesn't have underwire.

Cons: that's a whole lotta bra and a whole lotta hooks to fasten, even if they are in the front.

Shock Absorber D+Max Support Sports Bra N109


Pros: by the same company as my old one and seems to closely resemble it, with no underwire and no molded cups BUT only has one set of hooks in the back

Cons: even in black, it's just kinda "meh" looking and it's $59

Moving Comfort Fiona Sports Bra 350003



Pros: comes in black, sky blue, and brown, has no underwire, no padding, only $44, has rave reviews online

Cons: ummmmm, maybe we have a winner?!?

Anyone have a favorite sports bra they'd like to recommend?

xoxo

***Please. If you think there's something weird about that, all I can say is obviously you didn't have an immigrant grandmother who could produce a hankie or a change purse from in between her voluminous cleavage at any moment

zer--what?

That's Ed Zercher right there (or so google would have me believe), doing a feat of strength, skinny old man legs n' all. Mr Zercher was apparently a famous weightlifter/strongman in the 1930s whose legacy to us all was the--c'mon, you got this--the--the--that's right! the Zercher squat!



For those of you who don't know and who just cannot be arsed to watch the videos I painstakingly search youtube for just for your benefit, sigh, a Zercher squat is a front barbell squat with the bar held in the crook of the elbows. This is officially my new favorite exercise. But I've only done them once for practice and once for real, so, y'know, that might change. Right now I think they are the most fun you can have with 85% of your clothes on.

Oh! and that's one point I want to bring up right away. I initially tried these after failing very sadly at regular front squats. I just could not get the bar into a position that wasn't either digging into my clavicles or choking me. After I whined online about that (and made the obligatory bad sex joke about choking because, yes, I *am* just that immature), one of my online weightlifting buddies suggested the Zercher as an alternate quad-specific squat. However, she warned, they are uncomfortable on that inner elbow area. Oh! I said, I'll just do them wearing a hoodie. (As all my friends know, I own very many hoodies.) However, I didn't actually need a hoodie--a long sleeved t-shirt worked just fine, at least at the piddly weights I started out on. But, yeah, do wear sleeves to do these or, as another friend suggested, wrap a towel around the bar. Anything to cushion the pressure. This is NOT, I will have you know, analogous to using the pussy pad to back squat, an activity we here at MMINAE do not and will not countenance. You are not a sniveling wuss for wearing sleeves or wrapping the bar to Zercher. If you use the pussy pad, however, we can't be friends anymore. Oh, okay, we can, but I'll mock you. Just a little.

Besides hitting up the quads without making you feel like you have a barbell in your trachea, the Zercher has other benefits. It is supposedly the safest squat for your spine, so if you have back problems that preclude regular back squats, it might be a good alternative for you.*** However? Skip to around 2:30 of this video. (Or watch the whole thing. You got something better to do?)



Did you SEE how rounded his back was on that "Zercher deadlift"? Eek. My spine almost herniated a disk just watching that. From this I can conclude, Zercher squat=good for spine, Zercher deadlift=not so fucking much. In fairness, this dude went onto make more SquatRx videos, so apparently he ain't crippled himself yet.

Another benefit of the Zercher in my scant experience is that you can go low. By which I mean to say, I can go low. ATG, as they say. I found it extremely satisfying to feel my elbows slip between my thighs and have the bar actually touch the tops of them and KNOW I was down as far as I could possibly be, to know with that cue that there was no way I could accidentally/unconsciously cheat any of my reps.

The final benefit of these, at least in my gym, is that they will make people look at you and think, "WTF is she doing?" They are a fairly obscure exercise, but one that looks kinda old skool and badass. Extra points, I guess, if you do them wearing a hoodie with Ed Zercher's likeness on it. BRB, adding that to my gift guide!

xoxo

***We here at MMINAE do not give out unsolicited medical advice nor do we take any responsibility for you doing something fucking stupid. Clear this shite with your orthopedic surgeon or physical therapist, okay?

fitness gift guide, top 11 of '11

"Oh, Andrea," you say. "You're a day late and a dollar short as usual. All the major winter gift-giving holidays have come and gone."

To which I say, Feh. Valentines Day is in 7 weeks. Don't you have a sweetheart? And if you don't, isn't that enough time to work on that gym hottie you've had your eye on? Plus, you've got Mother's Day and Father's Day and, c'mon now, the fitness enthusiasts in your life have birthdays, don't they? As do you. There are lots of gift-giving and -getting days in the year. Get with the program.

Disclaimer #1: this is a list of Andrea's Favorite Things, which is kinda like Oprah's Favorite Things except without the clout. Because I like lifting and I like yoga, these gifts are heavily weighed in that direction. I don't run much, don't really bike or swim these days, have played golf once in my life, and haven't held a tennis racket since they were made of wood (srs!). If those sports and activities are more your thing, well, you're just gonna have to find you another gift guide.

Disclaimer #2: because these are *my* favorite things, things that I own and love and use or things I wish Santa had brought me, the items on it that are not unisex are for the ladieez. If you have a penis or are buying gifts for someone with a penis, not all these items will be applicable. Sorry!

Without further ado, I give you eleven for '11.

1.) the Bodymedia Fit



You people have already heard me go on and on about mine. I love it. I will warn you, that sentiment is not universal. Some people feel that theirs was inaccurate for them. Mine seems quite accurate for me. Some people feel that they only had to wear it for a few days or a week to get all the useful data they're ever gonna get from it. I feel differently, because I happen to have wildly divergent calorie burns from day to day depending on my activities, and in long term trends, I am seeing just how many fewer calories I am expending in the winter as opposed to the summer, when I am apparently much more active as far as NEAT goes. Some people disliked theirs because they feel it fed into their OCD or eating disordered tendencies. I think that's a fair enough quibble. If data is gonna make you crazy or even crazee, this product is not for you. But if, like me, you fondly think of your body as a science experiment, you might just love one of these.


2.) a digital food scale



Talk about feeding the crazee. If you (or the fitness enthusiast in your life) are either dieting or bulking, well, hell yeah, you (or they) wanna know exactly what and how much you're eating. A digital food scale is key, especially one that weighs both in grams and in ounces and has a "tare" function. I particularly like the glass topped ones, because they are easy to clean if you decide to just slop a hunk of cheese on there without a plate. Um, not that I'd do anything slightly gross and messy like that. Yeah.

3.) the Iron Gym



Want to do something at home on those days you don't make it to the gym? Or maybe you just wanna get really, really good at pullups and impress your friends and/or that gym hottie. Put the IronGym up in your doorway and grow that back!


4.) Gaiam aluminum water bottle



On days you do make it to the gym, you probably wanna bring a water bottle, if just to avoid having to stand in line at the bubbler behind some douche who's filling up their water bottle. Ahem. But, uh, yeah, hydration is key! I love my aluminum water bottle, because I highly dislike drinking from plastic. Mine, which is orange paisley and matches the straps on my minimalist shoes, is apparently no longer made, but they have other attractive options. I will also warn you on these: reviews are mixed. Not everyone loves theirs as much as I love mine. Some people have complained theirs dented easily or that the design scratched off. Mine's held up just fine. Some people feel theirs gave their water a metallic taste. Eh. I kinda like the very faint metallic taste--it's like mineral water. And it's tastier than plastic, which I hate. Proceed at your own risk.

5.) micro plates



And when you get to the gym, what happens when you go to do shoulder presses and the 25 lb dumbbells are getting way too easy but the 30s are a crapshoot as to whether you can even get them up? Hmmm, you say, if only there were 27.5 lb dumbbells in this gym... Microplates to the rescue, bitches! Seriously, these are genius, and I am envious of anyone who got these in their stocking. Sigh. There's always Mother's Day. Or, y'know, not being a cheap bastard and buying them myself. But, seriously: you or someone you know needs these.

6.) magical miracle yoga pants



Yes, they are ridiculously expensive. Yes, they will make your ass look better than any other gym clothes you own. Case closed.

7.) UGG sneakers



What looks like a pair of Chucks but classier and more grownup and have slightly more support and, not to mention, shearling inside the heels and on the tongue, so your feet are cozy and never blister? These! And you can deadlift in them.

8.) You long-haired chicas who go to the gym know the deal. There's squat hair--a high bun so that you don't get your hair in the way of the bar. There's yoga or benching hair--a low pony or braid so there's no lump under your head when you're on your back. Maybe what you need instead or in addition is a headwrap.

You can go old skool and gangsta:

the classic doorag



You can get in touch with your holistic, spiritual side:

the hippie alternative



Or you can:

glam it up



Wearing one that looks almost exactly like that to squat today. I ain't even lyin'.

9.) the foam roller



And all of us who work out or play sports know the deal on this: you will have minor injuries. You'll tweak this and pull that. X will tighten up and y will spasm. Foam rolling is the next best thing to a massage for working out those issues.

10.) the foam roller on steroids



But if the fitness enthusiast in your life is already foam rolling and has been for awhile, they may just need to upgrade to one of these. Not for the beginner and not for the faint of heart. There may be pain involved. But it's good pain. Shut up.

11.) Or, you can just be a really, really excellent gift-giver and buy your giftee an actual (preferably myofascial) massage!



Pet peeve: as an LMT myself, I cannot tell you how much it irks, trying to find an image online of someone getting a massage that actually looks as if they're really getting a massage. By which I mean to say, with their face in the face cradle, not torqued to the side with a blissful half-smile on. But while I was doing that, I did happen to come across bonus content for my readers:



Snake massage. SNAKE MASSAGE. I did not know that was a thing. I didn't want to know that was a thing. If that seems like the perfect gift for someone on your list, well, uh, bless your heart!

xoxo

bulking, the results edition

Now that I've bitched about my underwear pictures being possibly objectified, it's time to add new ones! Shall we recap? Started my bulk at 112 in mid-March, ended in mid-November at 125, then dieted for a month and am now 119. Time for the big reveal.

February, pre-bulk, post ~5 months weightlifting:



December, post-bulk and mini-cut, after 15 months lifting:



February:



December:



February:



December:



I weigh approximately 6-7 pounds more in the December pictures than the February ones, and I'm pretty sure I actually look leaner. Bulking, it does a body good! I will tell you that two years ago I would never, ever have thought my abdominal area would ever look that good again.

The plan now is to eat whatever the hell I want for the next two weeks, then resume dieting in January. Originally I thought I only wanted to get back down to 117ish, but I'm kinda curious what I'd look like at 113 now with the muscle I've added. So, we'll see. In any case, another long, slow bulk will then resume...late January, maybe?

xoxo

there's nothing dirty about my muscles

Oh, kids, I am raging this morning. Apparently the IT people at the large hospital for which I work have decided this here very blog is pr0n. It's blocked on my computer. Seriously? Pictures of a woman in her underwear in which all her parts are covered, underwear that shows no more than would be revealed by a standard two piece bathing suit, and which are posted not to titillate anyone but to illustrate hard-won muscular development (or lack of progress therein, sigh), is pr0n? Maybe in Saudi Arabia or Amish country, but uh, not in mainstream America. I am appalled. Amused, but appalled.

Let me tell you something about the female body. It exists for reasons other than for men to look at. Its main purpose is NOT to arouse/not arouse guys. Do I take it as an insult if a man tells me my muscles are sexeh? No, of course not. But that's not why I'm growing them. They're for me to look at***. They're tangible proof that I'm getting stronger and stronger. I like how they feel beneath my clothes. I like how, even though I'm "a woman approaching 50", they prove to me that I don't have to let my physical body deteriorate completely. And I like to show them to my friends who also lift and who appreciate muscle, hence the OMG! underwear pictures.

Or maybe it was the pictures of Jamie Eason in a thong that got the IT people riled up.

Hint: there's nothing dirty about her muscles, either, but the fact that women (i.e. fitness models) who should probably be considered athletes make most of their money posing in quasi-pr0ny ways just shows how commodified women's bodies really are.

xoxo

***I have two tattoos, both of them on the back of my body in places I have a hard time seeing, even in a mirror. I've occasionally had people question me about that, and I say, "they aren't there for me to look at, they're there for me to know that they're there." I feel similarly about my muscles; even the ones I can't see are there not for anyone else to look at necessarily, but for me to know that they exist.