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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

smuggy mcsmuggerson, party of...

Now that we've discussed what a bad, horrible person I am, let's segue into how awful other people are. Because there's nothing better for one's self image than realizing that no matter how much of an a-hole you are, those jerks you have to deal with on a daily basis are much worse, amirite?

I've made mention before that I hang around on an online forum full of chicks who lift. I need an outlet for posting about my PRs or lack thereof, a place to post douchey flexing pictures without shame, and the camaraderie of other people for whom DLB or Klokov are actual celebs, y'know?  It keeps me from boring my real life friends (or my patient, saintly blog readers) TOO much. And for the most part, it's been a wellspring of support, lulz, and yeah, actual friendships. But as with any community of any kind anywhere, there are those people. The ones who set your teeth on edge and make you want to choke them with one of their own dirty sweat socks. (What? You don't get those impulses? Really?) My least favorite are the regular (and somehow well-respected?) posters who are bitchy, humorless, and smug, and who have canned, snotty one-size-fits-all responses to all the newbie posts. There's this one woman who regular spouts off that if you don't weigh every morsel of food that goes into your mouth, including prepackaged foods, on a digital kitchen scale, in grams, "you have *no* idea how much you're eating." Oh, bitch, please. As an experiment, I just went into my kitchen and weighed four slices of Stop & Shop whole wheat bread (which the nutrition label helpfully told me weigh 28g each) and found them to weigh 26, 28, 30, and 30g respectively. Then I made myself an almond butter sandwich because I was hungry and that bread smelled good. But, um, never mind that.  The point is, those slices of bread deviating a couple of grams of weight in either direction is hardly likely to be the tipping point in anyone's dieting success or failure and to smugly suggest otherwise is crazypants.  But time and again I see this advice delivered in a superior tone. Those extra twenty calories you didn't account for this week because you refused to weigh your prepackaged bread is obviously why you're fatty fat fat, you stupid cow.

Okay, maybe I'm just cranky about this because one of the things I'm procrastinating on doing today is a crapload of bulk cooking and baking for future work lunches and the part of that which is most odious is figuring out the calories and macros for the entire recipe and then how much is in each serving I portion out into my (fake) tupperware.

No, seriously, even without the 50 key calculator, it's a pain in my butt.

No, seriously, I'm not even bad at math, but it's just tedious.  If I could just cook up a bunch of food without worrying about how many calories and grams of protein were in each serving and whether my servings were more or less equal and blah blah, it would make the whole production less frustrating. And I'd be halfway done with it right now instead of not done at all and giggling over math memes on the internet.

Obviously it's all that fault of that smug bitch I can't stand, not the failure of my own self discipline, that I'm posting cat stripper pictures while my ground turkey sits neglected in the fridge. Obviously.



  1. I am so glad I don't care about the calorie content of what I eat, and am satisfied to vaguely estimate the nutrients content, but I'm grateful for the cat pictures, since my accountant decided about twelve hours ago that I should file for a deadline, and I STILL don't know what, if anything, I owe. I need consolation!

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

  2. So if you ever burn out on the forums, some of your devoted readers would LOVE to see the flex-photos, and get some of the lifting info you've absorbed there without having to wade into the trenches. Especially readers like me who lift mostly in their imaginations and need a vicarious hit of badassery.

    I can't do forums myself. The inevitable smug idiocy and casual abusiveness of some of the commenters makes my head explode, and it seems to be true no matter what kind of forum you visit.

  3. I'm sorry, I have nothing intelligent to contribute because I am too busy laughing at the "fuck this shit, I'll be a stripper" meme.

    1. I won't lie, that's one of my favorite memes ever.

      Though I think strippers probably need at least a smidgen of math for, like, counting their tips n' shit.