thumbs up, thumbs down

Because you all need to know my opinions on shiz, right? (And they're not all complaints this time.)

1.) SmartWool socks. Thumbs up.  I don't have much circulation in my feet, I don't think, and they get very cold.  Recently I saw someone somewhere praising SmartWool socks as indispensable for surviving winter and it reminded me that I do have an old pair that came from I-don't-know-where but that are, indeed, the bee's knees.  So I decided I should really get some more.  The price for them is, however, alarming.  So I started looking for them at Marshall's and TJ Maxx, etc, with marginal success.  The discounted price ain't cheap either. But they are worth it. Then yesterday I was at Nordstrom Rack with a friend (to whom I had to explain why these socks are the Holy Grail of hosiery) and they had one pair in my size for 50% off retail. Score. Took them to the (male) cashier who asked excitedly if they were men's or women's.  He was crestfallen that they were women's. "I kept waiting for us to get them in and we didn't and I had to go to REI and pay $20."  I felt vindicated, because I think my friend didn't believe me these socks were a Big Deal until that outside confirmation, lulz.

2.) Kneeling squats in the Smith machine.  Thumbs probably down.  I mentioned my new gym doesn't have a real power rack with adjustable safeties, right?  Just two squat stands with fixed safeties and a Smith.  It's been kinda bumming me out that I can't do some of my favorite exercises.  So the other morning I sucked it up and attempted my beloved kneeling squats in the Smith.  I dunno, kids. You know how when you try to squat in the Smith you have to put your feet way out in front of you, and that's why squatting in the Smith isn't generally recommended? Well, doing kneeling squats in the Smith meant putting my knees way out in front of me and even then I didn't feel like I was getting complete ROM.  Gonna give these another try this week and see whether I can tweak them, but so far I'm disappointed.

3.) Naked Juice Green Machine. Thumbs up with shame. So, my one co-worker who shares my interest in "health" and "fitness" got a case of mini bottles of these at like Costco or the like and kindly brought me one. I am now sadly addicted. I say sadly because I don't have access to a source of mini bottles, so I'm buying the big ones which are a.) two servings but of course I drink it all and b.) like 3 bucks a whack.  It's fucking ridiculously delicious though. Mainly because it's apple and mango juice with a teeny tiny miniscule bit of kale to make you think it's good for you.  I keep telling myself it's obviously like 4 servings of fruit and vegetables so TOTALLY worth the 270 calories and three dollars. But even I don't believe myself and I want to be deluded about this.

4.) The Slutcracker. Thumbs mostly up.  Went to see this the other night with some** work friends and while the night had a damper on it for other reasons (weather was sucky, a couple of people who were planning on coming had last minute emergencies, and the host of our pre-show dinner party is going through a breakup), the show itself was on the whole fun and well-performed. What makes it germane to the blog is that it's burlesque and burlesque means there were a variety of mostly-unclothed body types.  I had to put away some of my preconceived prejudices about how skilled a dancer a 250 pound woman is going to be. I mean, I know saying that out loud (well, typing it publicly) makes me an asshole. But while I know fat people can be good athletes (see: many many powerlifters and Pablo Sandoval), I have to admit I don't visualize them as dancers. Which is obviously a stupid and wrong-headed prejudice and I now know that. So seeing a bunch of naked people perform a dirty ballet was good for my moral and ethical development.***

xoxo

**Some. My more devoutly religious co-workers stayed home. And maybe prayed for our souls. Or bitched to their friends about having to work with a bunch of deviants. One of the two.

***See, religious co-workers? It was practically like going to church.

more citations from the food police

Saw some shade being cast towards a (female, of course) health and fitness blogger today for "eating 865 calories...before noon" and running so she can "eat 2500 calories of shit everyday" and "eat(ing) more than most men in a single day."  This was after she made her food diary public.  She was also roundly criticized for the amount of processed food, restaurant food, cheese, and other sins against clean eating she consumes. Meh. The criticism of her food choices annoyed me, but the OMG SHE EATS MORE THAN A DUDE just about gave me rage stroke.  Now I realize all this criticism is partially predicated on the fact that the woman is a big-time blogger who a bunch of people apparently find insufferable and I also realize that if you make your food diaries public you probably can expect this crap, but man. I am so frigging sick of women implying there's something wrong with other women if they eat anything other than tiny portions of salad and yogurt and egg whites.  I am so sick of the cultural bias that there's something wrong with a woman having a hearty appetite.

And for what it's worth, I don't think a 165-ish pound woman who's training for a half-marathon is overeating on 2500 calories a day. At all.

In the interest of fairness and solidarity with someone I don't know and have no real personal opinion on,  I thought I'd tell you all what I have had to eat today since I got up at 1pm.  (Everything I ate on 9/26 before I went to bed at 7:30am counts as yesterday's food. It's the only way tracking makes sense working nights.)

I had a mug of coffee with half-and-half and Splenda while getting dressed.  Then on my way to my acupuncture appointment I had a cheddar cheese bagel twist from Dunkin Donuts.  Then after my appointment while I was doing errands, I had a veggie melt sandwich from Cheeseboy. With about 2/3rds of a bottle of Coke Zero.  Before I hopped on the train to go home, I got one of those giant Reeses peanut butter cup cookies from Starbucks because I was a little peckish.  I'm gonna eat my actual dinner soon (rage stroke makes me hungry), but I think that's about 1500 calories right there.

Despite my massive indulgence*** in cheese, restaurant food, and artificial sweeteners and my man-like appetite, I am neither obese nor unhealthy.  (My cholesterol count is documented in this very blog. LOOK IT UP.)  So, in conclusion, stfu, anonymous chicks on the interwebs, and stop policing other people's food intake.

xoxo

***so, okay, no, I don't eat those Starbucks cookies on the regular, and I'm not usually buying lunch at Cheeseboy, but cheddar cheese bagel twists ARE a diet staple. Sadly, they only sell them at Dunkin Donuts locations that have ovens which is definitely not all of them.

oh, pinterest

Here are some things Pinterest thinks I should be interested in today.

yes

(true fact: Serena Williams boobs still = google search which brings the most people to this blog)

NO

Maybe? 

Those are bourbon-infused cherries on that nutella pizza.

(Is choosing nutella pizza the same thing as choosing happiness? If so I might need to reconsider.)

yes

yes

Hell, no.

WTF?

(Even were I to borrow someone's precious bundle of joy for this, I would not be doing push-ups OVER THE BABY.)

xoxo

the most important meal of the day

Or something like that.

Would it bore you guys for me to throw the occasional healthy recipe/food experiment up in here?  I promise that if I start doing this on the regular, I'll improve my food photography skillz. Or at least try to.

Tropical Fruit Protein Smoothie, aka "my breakfast"

1.5 cups So Delicious unsweetened coconut milk "beverage"

2 scoops (62g) Optimum Nutrition banana creme whey protein**

1 nectarine, skin n' all***

140g Trader Joe's frozen organic mango

Chuck all ingredients in blender.  Blend.  Drink!  Makes 2 normal or 1 Andrea-sized servings.

**for a tangier, less sweet smoothie, replace 1 scoop of whey and 1/2 cup of coconut milk with a 7oz container of Fage 2% plain Greek yogurt. This only works if you aren't out of yogurt, goddammit.

***well, not "n' all"...you do need to remove the pit.  But you'd figure that out without instructions, right?

xoxo

some reviews of random crap

1.) Trader Joe's Sweet Italian Chicken sausage

I bought these for the first time a few weeks ago, just to try.  I really wasn't expecting much--I mean it's healthy(er) sausage, how good could it be?

Fucking amazingly delicious, people, that's how good.

I honestly think I like them better than my go-to non-healthy sausage (Perri sweet Italian) and they're 100 calories each rather than 230. But don't take just my word for it.  I mentioned them to a co-worker a couple weeks ago, knowing that a.) she's a TJ's shopper and b.) she and her boyfriend try/are trying to watch what they eat.  Well, last Monday on her day off, she texted to tell me she'd bought some and cooked them up with onions, mushrooms, and peppers, and they were quote unquote orgasmic.

Two thumbs way up, man.

2.) these Zella "Move It" capri pants

and these Athleta "Karma" capris

and "woven stretch" athletic pants in general.

Those of you who are old enough to remember the '90s may remember that there was a hot minute in the mid-90s when nylon track suits, or as we called them, "wind suits", were fashionable. I want to say it was spring of 1995, based solely on my memory of wearing one to a Celtics game with my mother and where I was living then.  Anyway, all the hot trendy mommies that spring were wearing them on their own time, and as I was a hot trendy mommy, so did I. But what I remember most about them was that, working in pediatrics, I'd have my patients' moms come in wearing these wind suits and if the child was a toddler/preschooler and thus of an age to sit on their mom's lap, they'd be continually sliding off. It was sorta hilarious, but you could NOT hold a child on your knee in those things without constant readjustment.  They were slippery mofos. (Um, the track pants, not the children in question.)  Also, they were noisy and made a swoosh-swoosh sound when you walked.

That, kids, is my previous experience with woven-fabric athletic wear.  Can I say, the technology has vastly improved in the last 19 years.  Both those Zella and Athleta pants are so freaking comfortable. They're so lightweight, they're basically like wearing nothing, a fact I've greatly appreciated on recent 90 degree 1000% humidity days. They don't make any swishy noises. And you could probably hold a toddler in your lap without incident. Though I haven't tried, so I won't swear to it.

3.) the pedicure I got today

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it on here, but for the past six years, I have gotten pedicures at an expensive spa-type place from the nicest esthetician in the world. I usually only go during the summer, or during the holidays, or when I really need/want my feet to look nice, because it's too expensive to go every three weeks all year round. But I am very loyal to this woman.  I mean, I am not even a runner, but my sense is that I have, frankly, gross feet--I've almost lost both my big toenails twice from hiking/long distance walking--and she has never made me feel like she was bothered by how much damn work my feet are for her. And she always gets them looking pristine no matter how gross they are going in. Unfortunately, she has drastically cut down the hours she does nails. She has some back trouble and most of her days are now scheduled for facials, which are far less taxing on her body than pedicures.  I totally understand and sympathize but our schedules do not mesh at all now and I have been forced to go to other (cheapy) places for my last couple pedis.

The one I got today was...not good.  This woman did not clean up the polish she got on my skin when she was sloppily painting my nails plus my pinky toe on the right foot smudged even though I didn't put on shoes for over an hour after I left the nail salon.  I know this review is of no use to anyone reading this. I just wanted to bitch, okay?

4.) those Nike "comfort thongs"

Do I need to search for a picture of these?  I've posted them before. Including on my feet. God.

Anyway. Yes. I have been wearing these for a few weeks now, long enough to have formed an opinion. My opinion is, they should have named them something else because thongs are butt floss underwear which I personally only wear when the chances of me getting sex are pretty high.  These flipflops will not entice anyone to have sex with you. Unless maybe they have a foot fetish and your pedicure is better than mine? I don't know your lives, readers.

Okay, unfortunate name aside, I do like these, though not perhaps as much as I was hoping to like these.  I think they run weirdly narrow for a flipflop.  When I first got them that led to me feeling like there wasn't enough shoe/sole surrounding my foot. (Stop looking at me like that.)  My foot wasn't hanging off them in any direction, it just felt kinda like they might be. (Seriously, stop looking at me like that.)  Multiple wearings has dulled that sensation and I'm fine with the fit now.  Also, despite the "comfort" part of the equation--the memory foam insole--they really aren't as shock-absorbing as my 2 year old Reefs which are the most comfortable flipflops I have ever owned.  I can walk further without discomfort in those Reefs than I can in these Nikes.  I think it's that while the Nike insole is cushy, the soles are hard.  A plus for the Nikes, however, is that that insole *is* so cushy they don't lead to the dreaded heel calluses that flipflops (and clogs, for that matter) usually give me from the insole repeatedly smacking back up into my heel as I walk.  Also, they are just very cute and sporty-looking.

5.) Reebook adjustable speed rope

So, in my quest to find something that will entice me to do cardio rather than "cardio" and, specifically, intervals, I decided to buy a jump rope.  Off I went to Amazon to peruse them. There were many many many choices. I bought the one above solely and completely because it claimed to be easy to adjust the length and I knew I would have to shorten whichever one I got.  In case you've forgotten, I'M SHRINKING. Ahem. Anyway, they didn't lie. I was extremely easy to adjust and it adjusts in such a way that you can change the length back and forth without trouble. Which would come in handy if more people than one wanted to use it. It cost like $15 which is probably pretty much ridiculous for $2 worth of plastic and foam, but whatever.  That crappy pedi I got today cost $25 plus tip.  Everything's expensive these days. God.

I probably got a whole wind suit for $15 back in 1995.

Maybe.

xoxo

yoga beer and battle ropes

There was a time when one of my favorite ways to spend a Sunday involved lifting at the Y in the early afternoon, then going across the street to the hipster cafe for a salad and a beer, then walking down to the yoga place and taking the late Sunday afternoon restorative yoga class. Having a beer before yoga always felt vaguely naughty to me, and vaguely naughty is my middle name.  This little bit of bliss came to an end when a.) the other hipster cafe on the same block closed down and the overflow of patrons meant I can rarely get a seat at my hipster cafe on a Sunday, even at the bar and b.) the yoga place switched the late Sunday class from restorative to Vinyasa, which is really too much damn work after lunch and a beer, okay?

Why'm I telling you this? Well, yesterday I found, and bought, what I will now and till the end of time continue to refer to as Yoga Beer.  Because it amuses me.  As do so very many things.

I had to buy it just for the name and (awesome) label alone but it's really quite tasty, even if I'm not the hugest fan of Belgian-style wheat beers.

Now, onto topics that actually have something to do with, y'know, fitness. Like battle ropes. Which apparently my Y recently got. They're wrapped around one of the legs of the TRX and I hadn't ever noticed them or seen anyone touch them until last week, when a dude went to town on them while I was stretching. That looks like fun, I thought. And also: the fuck? have those *always* been there?  I've decided that they have NOT always been there, since yesterday at the gym I saw a variety of people using them, including one of the big powerlifting regulars whom I like to watch lift and the Pack of Latino Mommies.  (I always stereotype chattering, slightly overweight women in their late 20s/early 30s who work out together as "mommies." Is that terribly unfair of me? Or just, y'know, accurate? You be the judge.)  I figure we can't all have suddenly discovered the damn things at once, so they must be new equipment.

Anyway, there are apparently a ton of youtube videos that will teach you how to use these things, but I picked this one to share with you all.

Because it includes a hot shirtless dude. (You're welcome.)  Who apparently doesn't know the difference between "to" and "too" but hey! sometimes if they're pretty enough, they're allowed to be stupid, amirite? OH, JUST KIDDING. On a whole number of different levels.

Anyway. I am going to attempt those things soon.  With my shirt on. Because I'm only vaguely naughty. C'mon now.

xoxo

quinoa, wtf?

Before we get started, I have to tell you a story. I may have told this story before or I may have thought about telling this story on here before. I don't remember. If you have read it in the past, mea culpa. Just do what my real-life friends do when I repeat one of my, uh, scintillating anecdotes: let your eyes glaze over, nod a bit, and mentally write out your grocery list. Or something.

Okay!  When I was a teenager, I had this mental block.  I knew there was a word pronounced "or derves" and I knew it meant appetizers. I also knew there was a word "hor d'oeuvres" one saw in the newspaper and cookbooks and such and that it meant appetizers. I was, however, mentally incapable of putting those two facts together and remembering how to pronounce hor d'oeuvres when I saw it in print. So I would say "whores dee overs", knowing it was wrong, but totally flummoxed on what was right.  (OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T TAKE FRENCH IN HIGH SCHOOL, OKAY?) My mother thought this was hilarious and it became a family in-joke. For years and years after I finally figured out "or derves" and hor d'oeuvres were the same word, we continued to call them whores dee overs. As in, "hey, what kind of whores dee overs do you think we should make for Thanksgiving?"

Maybe you had to be there. Ahem.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that even though I *know* quinoa is pronounced KEEN-wah, every time I read the word, I pronounce it quin-NO-uh in my head. Then I chuckle to myself, because I am under the delusion that I'm funny.  In fact, sometimes I actually purposely call it quin-NO-uh in conversations with my friends. They don't laugh or think that's wicked amusing, because obviously none of them are as as weird as my family of origin was. Obviously and sadly. God.

So, KEEN-wah.  This one of those foods that all the healthy fucking fit people eat and I can't figure out why exactly. I mean, much like Ezekiel bread, I can't figure out why it's supposed to be *so* good for you. Everyone's all "high protein grain" blah blah when, according to the package label, a 160 calorie serving has 6g of protein. Well, a 150 calorie serving of my oatmeal has 5g of protein and nobody's telling me that's a high protein miracle grain. I don't get it.  The Quinoa Council's PR person deserves a raise. All I'm sayin'.

Nevertheless, when I was at Trader Joe's last night after work, I finally broke down and bought some.  I figured that as a Fitness Person, I better give in and try this shit before I was exposed as some kind of fraud. I've already publicly admitted I don't eat kale. I'm on shaky ground as it is.  If it weren't for my passionate relationship with Greek yogurt (plus that loaf of Ezekiel bread hidden in my freezer), my blogging privileges would have already been revoked.

Next...what the hell do I do with it?

Had a brilliant flash of inspiration. Since I already had ground turkey and red bell peppers in my refrigerator waiting for me to turn them into stuffed peppers, I would make quinoa stuffed peppers.  I didn't actually have a recipe for stuffed peppers in mind, so if I was gonna wing it, why not wing it with a totally new, unfamiliar, untested ingredient? Go big or go home.

Here are the results:

I know my food styling and food photography skillz could be improved upon, but trust me when I say they are delicious. And healthy! Each one is approximately 401 calories, 35.3g protein, 35.9g carbs, and 14.2g fat. Basically, all they are is quinoa cooked with chicken broth mixed into browned ground turkey seasoned with Montreal steak seasoning stuffed into a pepper and baked for half an hour, then topped with a little shredded cheddar till it melts. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

You could save 55 calories by omitting the cheese, BUT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?  

Quinoa, I might just be a believer.

Kale, I'm coming for you.

(No, I'm not.)

xoxo

in which i do your mother's day shopping for you

Williams Sonoma wanted to sell me a Vitamix S30 Personal Blender, just right for making one smoothie, the to-go-cup for which they helpfully supply with the blender. It's on sale for Mothers Day, bee tee dubs.

That's a beautiful blender right there. Not sure my kitchen's klassy enough to showcase it though, what with my lack of marble countertops and white subway tile.  Good thing, actually, because that fucking blender is $399.95 on sale.  Oh, Williams Sonoma, you so funny.

Then an internet friend who's a Canadian living in Sweden recommended these Freddy brand workout tights.

Those are some nice looking pants right there. Pretty sure my ass isn't klassy enough to showcase them though. Which is also a good thing since they cost $109 American.  No fancy Italian leggings for me!

Moving on to things I *can* afford, there are tank tops with amusing sayings I approve of.

 Not sure which one I like best, but since my Y is a family atmosphere, the one that says ass on it is probably right out.

But since the best things in life are free...

here are a couple blogs that I recently discovered which I think y'all will also enjoy.

Cheaper than Therapy

and Rose Runner's Shitty Blogger series

And then, for extra lulz, a little Game of Thrones humor.

xoxo

to prove i wasn't lying...

But first, for Mary Anne:

and

then

but never fear

Cranky Cat is on your side...

and that's all the tax-related cat humor I got.

This is gonna be real confusing for people who don't read the comments.  But people who don't read comments deserve what they get, nomsayin?

Okay!  Here's photographic proof of what I did today.

That's four servings of pasta with (ground turkey) meat sauce [472 calories, 11.8g F, 59.5g C, 34.8g P], four servings of black beans & rice with turkey [385 calories, 14.1gF, 35,2g C, 30g P], three servings of chicken stir fry [307 calories, 10.7g F, 18.3g C, 28.9g P] and twelve banana almond protein muffins [178 calories, 12.2g F, 11.8g C, 8g P].  My freezer is stocked. And my head didn't explode from the math.

But it was close.

xoxo

blog salad

Time to round up some random crap!

1.) Still haven't decided anything on the tanning front, though I did buy some Tan Towels off of Amazon. (Thanks, B!) Perhaps this will end up being like most things in my life and I will procrastinate so long, it'll actually be summer and the question will become moot because I'll be able to just go to the damn beach.

2.) This may be the best tuna ever.

Since I have been being so very, very good at making and bringing my lunch to work for over two months, I am now at the point where I'm looking for different things to take.  Hence buying some tuna, which normally I am not a huge fan of.  (Well, I'm a fan of the tuna MELT but it's kinda hard to make one of those in the workplace microwave. Plus, y'know, what with the mayo, the cheese, and the buttered bread, not really helpful with the whole weight loss business.)  In my family growing up we always got the solid white tuna in water, which to me is kinda tasteless.  At my old place of employment where I'd occasionally buy tuna in the caf, they definitely used the chunk light tuna, which to me tastes like cat food.  I figured there had to be some happy medium between "tasteless" and "cat food."  In perusing the shelves at Trader Joe's, I decided solid white in oil might just be that happy medium. Oh, and it is.  I found it so tasty I was able to marry it with my *other* new lunch food experiment, which is training myself to like mustard.  (I've switched from mayo to mustard on my sandwiches in an effort to save calories.)  I tried just putting the drained can of tuna in a bowl, adding approximately 10g of mustard to it, and eating it like that, no bread or anything, and...it was good. I mean, I know it sounds vaguely disgusting, but it's actually tasty. Coming from someone who historically never liked mustard and wasn't big on tuna, this is a ringing endorsement.  So try it if you're bored with your lunch. Just make sure you get that TJ's tuna above.

3.) I have recently started foam rolling as part of my warm up, not just post workout or separate from it when something hurts.  I did this at a point when my lower back was spasming a bit on me and I was looking for a way to calm it down enough to get my workout in, and I've continued even though my back feels better. I think it actually helps. A friend was asking about it and I found a couple links for her, so I thought I'd share them with youse guys too.

4.) This is my new favorite shirt.

It's the Pacifica UPF shirt from Athleta, and that picture doesn't do justice to how cute it looks on with the ruching at the shoulders and the little sleeve pocket.  It's technically a rashguard but it makes a nice gym shirt or a just-wearing-around-over-a-tanktop shirt (if you inappropriately wear gym clothes err'where like me).  I would buy another one in a different color but it's Athleta and thus expensive.

5.) I wrote an impassioned defense of the humble bagel elsewhere when someone claimed they were nutritionally bankrupt.  A Dunkin' Donuts wheat bagel is 280 calories and 13g of protein.  I think that's a better ratio of protein to calories than a lot of "protein" bars, kids.  I was actually surprised myself when I first saw that nutritional information, but the reason for this is that bagels are very gluten-y. Gluten is what gives them that tasty chewy texture and gluten is the part of the wheat that contains the protein. So, basically, you people that have to avoid gluten are shit out of luck when it comes to getting protein from your baked goods. More tuna for you!

Anyone have any great new lunch discoveries, warm up suggestions, favorite new clothes, or rants about unfairly maligned foods? Tell me in the comments!

xoxo

did you know...

there are limited edition fudge-covered Ritz crackers? And you can buy them at Target? And if you go to Target after the gym to buy a gift card for a charity gift drive and some socks, you *will* buy them, because your blood sugar is low and your sense of entitlement is high?

Okay, maybe that last part is just me. But, seriously, kids? I know it might sound vaguely disgusting but, much like with chocolate-covered pretzels, the combination of sweet+salty+carbs is just hnnngggggg. Someone should have invented the damn things back when it was physically possible for me to have PMS.

Before the whole Thanksgiving week/limited edition Ritz thing went down, though, I've been dieting for the last month. Some of my pants were getting a little tight and it was time to put the brakes on. I think I lost about six pounds in four weeks. Which seems like a paltry amount of weight loss for the amount of suffering I've gone through, but a.) I'm a whiny baby and b.) there is no b, I'm just a little bitch.  And now that I've taken a break, I'm having a really hard time returning to the diet despite the fact that I'd like to lose a couple more pounds.  Plus there are so many leftovers in this house.  First world problems, yo.

I did work out six times this past week, though, which is more than I did the entire month of October so, y'know, that's something.  Getting back on track.  Including with the blogging. Pinky swear.

xoxo

delightful cartoon above from http://laughingredhead.me/

donut? blunt object or not?

Oh, hi. Still alive.  Have had things to say but no time to say them, and then when I do have time, I've forgotten what I was all excited and/or irritated about. Today, however, my irritation is fresh in mind and thanks to the miracle of free wifi on the MBTA commuter rail, you get to hear about it.  Say "thank you, MBTA!"  Note: if you live in Boston, that will probably be the first, last, and only time you utter that sentence. Ahem.

I'm kind of stumped on a title here. I'd like to go with Oh, Fuck You, but y'know, I hate to show up with blatant profanity when nice people have me in their blog rolls. So we'll see what shows up up top by the time I press "publish."

What's got you pissed off THIS time, Andrea? you ask. Well, kids, here's the thing.  In the last couple days I've read more than one person saying, either of their own volition, or in repeating what their coach or trainer has told them, or what some well known fitness model/figure competitor has said in an interview that "a bulk is no excuse to get fat or eat whatever crap you want."  My gut reaction to that? See profanity above. But, no. To put a finer point on it, my reaction is no one needs an excuse to get fat.  Getting fat is not a crime, a faux pas, a lapse in etiquette or judgment, a moral failing, whatever. It doesn't need to be excused. One doesn't need forgiveness or permission.  Having more adipose on one's body than these fitness models, trainers, or gym rats think is acceptable is not your problem.  You wanna gain 25lbs on your bulk, that's your business, kids. And whether you choose to take off some of that adipose with a diet afterwards or not, and how aggressively you do or do not do that, well, that's your business too, kids.

We won't even go into what I think about people deciding what you have their permission to eat or not?  Hint: if you're not my mother and I'm not under the age of 12, shut the fuck up about it.  Or I'll throw a donut at you.   A stale one, so it hurts.

Those don't look stale, they look effin' awesome.  Just saying.

xoxo

i need a twelve step program, or possibly inpatient treatment

"Um, hi, I'm Andrea and I'm, uh, addicted to peanut butter and jelly Quest bars."

In unison: "Hi Andrea!"

Quest bars. Love 'em or hate 'em, they're the protein bar everyone on the interwebs has an opinion on.  In my own lil internet circle, the scale seems weighted towards luv. I had heard about how their macros were awesome and their taste was hnnnnngggg (by which I mean to say, delicious) long before I ever tasted one. Then I had my surgery and there--in a sweet care package sent to me by a friend I'd never actually met--they were, complete with helpful instructions to nuke them for ten seconds or so for maximum awesomeness.   The first time I tried this, I stuck one in the microwave without removing the wrapper. The foil wrapper. OMG I WAS ON NARCOTICS, WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT OF ME?

Ahem.

Well, when I had one that I didn't actually almost set on fire, I wasn't overwhelmed. I might have been slightly underwhelmed. At the least, I was whelmed.  I chalked this up to my taste buds being somewhat funky after surgery/anesthesia. Only certain foods appealed to me. (Hence the eighteen Chobani yogurts and the diet ginger ale in my first postop grocery cart.) I decided to withhold my verdict on the whole Quest bar experience till a later date.

Sometime this spring a later date came to pass. I was buying something else online and I needed to spend a little more money for some discount or free shipping or a gift with purchase or whatever other incentive the clever retailer had come up with to induce suckers like me to drop more cash, so I threw in a few Quest bars in different flavors.  Some were good. Some were meh. Some had sugar alcohols in them that made me unfit to go out in polite society. And then there were the peanut butter and jelly ones. OMG.

I don't know what it is about these things. They're the texture of playdoh, basically, and the color of a breastfed newborn's poop. They have so much fiber in them they're pretty much a rotor router for my colon. They look like something you'd feed the prisoners in a futuristic prison. Well, except in a futuristic prison they'd be made of people. Something like that.

They're delicious. I keep buying the boxes of twelve and eating them in a week. It's like my secret shame. A vaguely food-like substance that only marginally tastes like what the flavor on the label promises and I eat two a day till they're all gone.  But but but...20g of protein and 17g fiber each, yo.

Somebody help me.


Anyway! While I wait for my intervention, I'll share with y'all a recent pic I really love.  I have a couple of vintage dresses, one of which I particularly love because not only is it extremely cute, it has sentimental value.  Sadly, for the last couple years, they've both been too big and just living in my closet.  I tried them on again a couple weeks ago and to my shock, they're now wearable again.  I've finally grown enough lat to take up the space that used to be taken up by my boobs when I was ten-fifteen pounds heavier. Woo!  My friends asked for pictures.

Shoulders not looking too shabby.

Maybe it's the Quest bars.

xoxo

banana almond protein muffins

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups almond flour

2/3 cup oat bran

1 teaspoon baking soda

2 scoops (62g) ON 100% whey protein, banana cream flavor

2 small very ripe bananas, mashed

3 tablespoons sugar free vanilla syrup***

2 tablespoons oil

Directions:
Combine all ingredients until well-blended.  Fill 6 greased muffin tins. Bake at 350 degrees for fifteen minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean.  Nom.

Macros:
311 calories, 16g protein, 20g fat, 21.6g carbs, 6.1g fiber.

***if you don't have or don't wish to use vanilla syrup, you can substitute 3 tablespoons milk or cream. If you do substitute, you may want to add a teaspoon of vanilla extract and/or Splenda (or the sweetener of your choice) to taste.

Small but filling!

xoxo

jessica simpson and buttered poptarts

All y'all know who Jessica Simpson is, right? First she was some sort of country/pop singer, who became much more renowned for her first-marriage reality show, in which she was portrayed to be somewhat, um, dim.



Then she got really fit to play a part in a forgettable movie based on a 70s TV show and became a sex symbol.



Then she gained a little weight and took a lot of crap for it, especially after she performed in a pair of really unflattering jeans.



I must admit, though I had no previous like or dislike for Ms Simpson, I felt for her after that incident. As a fellow short and somewhat boobilicious person, I knew well that gaining just a wee few pounds can be the difference between looking great and looking unfortunately tubby for people like us, especially in photos or the wrong outfit or both.

Ms Simpson shrugged it off and went on to put her name on a line of shoes, many of which are very very cute, but which (alas) I shall never buy, since I refuse to buy celebrity-endorsed shit even if it's good. But look at the cute shoes, y'all.





And then she remarried and got knocked up (in one order or another). And then she started taking a lot more crap for, y'know, daring to gain weight whilst pregnant. And for admitting she wanted, and was eating, non-health food, like, say, buttered pop tarts.



Oh, the media firestorm that erupted over how excessively she gained weight and how unhealthy and OMG! dangerous for the baby her presumed horrible eating habits were, all commented on by a bunch of "experts" who were not, y'know, Ms Simpson's actual medical providers. On a recent Today show segment, Sarah Palin was the voice of reason re this. I don't mean to go political on you, boys and girls, but when Sarah Palin is the one person being reasonable in the room, things have definitely jumped the ol' shark.

But that's not what I want to talk about. No. What bemused me the most about this whole hooha is that in the many many comments on the various stories about this incident that I've read on the interwebs, there seemed to be two very distinct camps. There were the people who said, "Buttered fucking pop tarts, are you kidding me? Gross. That's something only an out-of-control pregnant woman would eat or want to eat." And there were the people who said, "Dude! That's how we always ate them when we were kids. Mmmmmm, now I want one." I myself took a much more neutral and Switzerland-like stance on the matter. Can't say I've ever before heard of buttering pop tarts, but on the other hand? Is there anything that isn't improved by the addition of butter? (Of course, my real stance on pop tarts is that in the cage fight death match of grocery store HFCS- and transfat-full breakfast pastries toaster strudels kick pop tarts' ass. Especially the ones with jam *and* cream cheese in them.)

But even more bemusing to me was this. In a resulting internet discussion of buttering pop tarts, a young woman mentioned that her mother buttered all their vegetables "including peas and carrots" and until she was in her late teens, she thought everyone else did too. My reaction? Wait, wut? Everyone doesn't?

I mean, not if the veggies in question have already been stir-fried. Or roasted in olive oil. Or are in a salad covered with balsamic vinegrette. Or are raw on a plate next to a cup of blue cheese dressing for dipping. Obviously. But eating steamed or boiled vegetables sans butter is something I last did in the late 80s when I was on one of those punitive lowfat 80s type diets that made me really stabby. Vegetables are not just a great source of micronutrients, people. They're a vehicle for meeting your fat macro. Damn. If Mother Nature had intended for me to eat green stuff plain, she'd have made me a cow. Or made cheese sauce less delicious. One of the two.

And you wonder why me n' Jessica need to worry about unflattering "fat" pictures. Yeah, yeah. But seriously...

Butter. It's good.

xoxo

P.S. I'm tagging this post as food pr0n, but unfortunately I did NOT take a photo of last night's dinner veggies glistening in their .3 ounces of Kate's. Yes, I weigh it. No, you don't need to call the eating disorders clinic. Yet. I swear, I'm not around the bend.

vile calumny and slander

Have you heard about the anti-cheese billboards in NY state? They were placed by the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, a group whose agenda is vegan and who have heavy ties with PETA. Their contention that cheese makes you fatty fat fat therefore is less motivated by concerns about your health, dear consumer, and more motivated by their animal rights political agenda.

Well. We all know how I feel about cheese, don't we kids? When I first heard about those billboards at the end of last week, I pulled out my camera to document what cheese I had in my house. Note: end of week=running low on groceries.

There was shredded parm:



There were goat cheese crumbles for my salads:


There were babybels, which no one has been eating because we only like the yellow or orange ones actually:

There was good ol' white trash Land O' Lakes white American from the deli for cheeseburgers:



There was a hunk of champagne cheddar, bought after I tasted a sample on a Costco run with a friend:



And there was string cheese, a staple of my diet:

There was also a tiny bit of part skim ricotta left in the tub, which I unfortunately didn't photograph.

I did, however, photograph myself this weekend.



See how fatty fat fat my cheese-filled diet has made me?

Suck it, PCRM.

xoxo

in which we praise sludge

I just had to do a sludge post after I proclaimed that it has changed my life. Plus, I took pictures of my breakfast this morning, and every time I find myself turning into one of those people I hate and doing things I swore I would never do, I have to publicly document it. It's, like, a rule.

So! For the uninitiated, sludge is a food item. Sludge is made by mixing protein powder with a variety of other substances to make a mixture that resembles, well, sludge. "It does exactly what it says on the tin!"*** As far as I can tell, the most common sludge-making ingredients are Greek yogurt and peanut butter. I would also include oatmeal, but I have it on semi-good authority that adding oatmeal turns it from sludge into proats. Eh. In my uneducated, female opinion, the line between proats and sludge is a very fine one, but whatever. In any case, sludge is a wonderful way to get in a crapload of protein and calories and also enables one to use up the ghetto-ass CVS brand whey that one bought in a fit of terrible judgment. Not that I would know anything about the latter. Really.

Without further ado, here's what I ate this morning:

I see you salivating. No, seriously, it was delicious--I can't help it if I'm no food stylist. God.

That's one container of 2% Fage yogurt, one tablespoon of Trader Joe's almond butter with flax, and one scoop vanilla whey protein, topped with a sliced up nectarine, which works out to 550 calories, 53.4g protein, 23.4g fat, and 32.3g carbs (6.3g fiber). The Greek yogurt and almond butter mixed together has a lovely, airy texture.

The other version of sludge that I've made so far consisted of one container of Fage, one tablespoon of Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter, and one scoop vanilla whey, topped with a sliced banana. I'm sure I don't have to sell you on the peanut butter + chocolate + banana combo, do I?

And now, bonus dismembered body parts.

I took those today before I went to the gym but after I took my first dose of creatine. But before it had a chance to do anything, because, y'know, I'm sure it works almost instantly. Ahem. My muscles look very flat. Smaller. Like they disappeared during my week off from lifting. Also? I should have either moisturized my feet or cropped my heel out of that calf picture.

And then I took what I guess are my real starting point pictures.



All the flattering gym clothes were obviously in the wash.

Seriously, my good yoga capri pants were in the wash and I had to wear pants because I was doing rack pulls. Don't judge. Besides, the Bulgy Polish Catcher's Thighs and the babushka on my head go together. It's a theme. We all get in touch with our heritage in our own way.



Can you see my booty in that picture? It's probably best not.

So, let's just ignore that and end this post with a video. This is my favorite song to listen to while lifting of late. Plus, creatine is in the lyrics, so it's on topic. I SAID we were staying on topic in here.



xoxo

***impress your blog hostess by identifying what that's a quote from