To set this up, a few facts about Andrea which you may or may not already know.
1.) I hate winter. I hate winter with every fiber of my being. I see no upside in white shit falling out of the sky, being cold, wearing 18 bulky layers of clothing and still being cold, falling on the ice, paying obscene heating bills and still being cold, having to get up five minutes earlier in the morning to have time to put on those 18 layers of clothing and still get out of the house on schedule, climbing over dirty frozen piles of no-longer white shit, having dry skin, dry hair, and dry mucus membranes, becoming a semi-hermit because leaving the house when you don't have to seems like too much trouble, and etc. Winter sucks, okay?
2.) I am, like, the whitest white girl ever, and I am not just talking about my atrocious lack of dance skillz. I am pale. By March, I am almost literally translucent. Like," let's teach the circulatory system by looking at this woman's unclothed body" level.
3.) As evidenced in my last post, I want to take pictures of myself in which I look all lean, muscular, and ripped. Ghostly pallor doesn't aid in this endeavor.
4.) I cannot afford to go to Hawaii, Cancun, or even Florida. At this point, I could probably afford to go to Rhode Island, but it's not really any warmer or sunnier there.
All these facts combined at the end of last week to lead me to a very shameful activity. I was looking on groupon for bargain tanning. Blush.
No, seriously, I have NEVER been tanning, not even in the '90s when all my co-workers went. At most, I use a little self-tanner on my legs during the summer so they are only two shades lighter (and more orange) than my arms and shoulders, not five. But tanning beds seem like just asking for cancer and a Bad Idea. Especially since one of those always tanning in the '90s (and at-the-beach-all-summer Gloucester townie) co-workers already had to have a shitload of suspicious growths removed before she turned 35.
Well, some of those groupons for tanning cover spray tans as well.
That's scary in its own right, nomsayin'?
So I'm kinda back to the idea of risking skin cancer--one time in a tanning bed won't kill me, right? RIGHT? plus the propaganda on the tanning salon websites all tell me how non-dangerous it is--or a little self-tanner at home. Which is all well and fine (and a little orange and possibly streaky) on my legs, but I cannot do my own back. At all. Anyone wanna volunteer to rub lotion on my back and save me from melanoma?
Yeah, I thought not.