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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

i wanna do a very bad thing

To set this up, a few facts about Andrea which you may or may not already know.

1.) I hate winter. I hate winter with every fiber of my being.  I see no upside in white shit falling out of the sky, being cold, wearing 18 bulky layers of clothing and still being cold, falling on the ice, paying obscene heating bills and still being cold, having to get up five minutes earlier in the morning to have time to put on those 18 layers of clothing and still get out of the house on schedule, climbing over dirty frozen piles of no-longer white shit, having dry skin, dry hair, and dry mucus membranes, becoming a semi-hermit because leaving the house when you don't have to seems like too much trouble, and etc.  Winter sucks, okay?

2.) I am, like, the whitest white girl ever, and I am not just talking about my atrocious lack of dance skillz.  I am pale. By March, I am almost literally translucent.  Like," let's teach the circulatory system by looking at this woman's unclothed body" level.

3.) As evidenced in my last post, I want to take pictures of myself in which I look all lean, muscular, and ripped.  Ghostly pallor doesn't aid in this endeavor.

4.) I cannot afford to go to Hawaii, Cancun, or even Florida. At this point, I could probably afford to go to Rhode Island, but it's not really any warmer or sunnier there.

All these facts combined at the end of last week to lead me to a very shameful activity.  I was looking on groupon for bargain tanning.  Blush.

No, seriously, I have NEVER been tanning, not even in the '90s when all my co-workers went.  At most, I use a little self-tanner on my legs during the summer so they are only two shades lighter (and more orange) than my arms and shoulders, not five.  But tanning beds seem like just asking for cancer and a Bad Idea. Especially since one of those always tanning in the '90s (and at-the-beach-all-summer Gloucester townie) co-workers already had to have a shitload of suspicious growths removed before she turned 35.

Well, some of those groupons for tanning cover spray tans as well.

That's scary in its own right, nomsayin'?

So I'm kinda back to the idea of risking skin cancer--one time in a tanning bed won't kill me, right? RIGHT? plus the propaganda on the tanning salon websites all tell me how non-dangerous it is--or a little self-tanner at home. Which is all well and fine (and a little orange and possibly streaky) on my legs, but I cannot do my own back. At all. Anyone wanna volunteer to rub lotion on my back and save me from melanoma?

Yeah, I thought not.



  1. I am soooooo sick of winter for the same reasons.

    Tan towels, dude. Self-tanning couldn't be any easier!

    (if this posts twice, I'm sorry. I have no idea if the first one went through)

  2. Since I work outdoors for part of the day all year round, my face and my hands are a different color from my arms and legs which are a different color from my torso and feet. Oh, well.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky, permanently sick of winter

  3. I'm thinking One Time won't kill ya! I still think they should have invented a goddamn pill by now, that both protects from cancer and turns us whatever shade we pick. We'd all get sick of boring "tan" pretty quickly and start being purple or chartreuse or whatever. Stupid scientist and their priorities!

  4. I'd do your back (and not in a creepy way) but y'know, issa long way to Boston from Norfolk, England.
    One time's not going to kill you, now is it?

  5. Do you know whether you would tan evenly if you went the tanning bed route? I'm also quite pale (French/Irish heritage) and the best I can manage is masses of freckles. If I were doing what you're doing I'd probably go for the spray tan if this is just a temporary thing to enhance the appearance of hard-won leanness and muscles.

    Remember in the 1970s and 1980s when people would do almost anything to get a tan? (My father had a girlfriend who would marinate in vinegar and go out in the sun as soon as it was warm enough to get the sunburn that would serve as the basis for her summer tan. The results were predictable.) I'm so glad now that I didn't get into that. The look does not age well.

    Oh, yeah. This winter can fucking die already. It's snowing in Cambridge as I write this, and I want to run away.

  6. Thank you for all the advice (and winter commiseration), guise! There *will* be a follow up on this when I actually do something about it :-)

  7. No point getting a one off tanning bed, you won't see the difference it needs to build up. Why don't you just get a spray tan? Had one for my wedding so I didn't blend in with my dress. Sorry haven't been around, will be reading your blog again from now on as it always makes me laugh.