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Friday, February 1, 2013

healthy, wut?

Now that January is over, I'm gonna write the post I've been meaning to write about what (besides organizing yo shit) random blogs I read have emphasizing in the new year. Timely, that's me!

I read a few cooking related sites and sometimes I'll click on a link from one of those and end up reading another cooking blog I've never seen before, etc etc.  I'm not exactly sure why I do this. I never make 98.7% of the recipes I see on them and a lot of them are about things I don't have the skill to do or the inclination to learn. But I guess it's better than porn or internet gambling, so basically, shut up. Anyway, in January after 3 months of telling us how to bake 453 different types of cookies, make homemade liqueurs to gift, assemble a turducken to impress the folks at Christmas, and all other manner of excess, the food sites turn instead to the "lighter, healthier" food we're all either supposed to be craving in January or are just eating because we're pissed off our pants don't button anymore.

Reading these "healthier" recipes makes a person realize one crucial piece of information: no one in 2013 North America can possibly agree on what healthier food *is*.  Oh, I guess no one is against green leafy vegetables (even if, as one brilliant internet commenter maintained, kale tastes like "dirt and unhappiness".)  But for every other food group or macronutrient, there's someone out there maintaining it's healthy while someone else is trying to cut it out of their diet. For example, a lot of the purported healthier recipes involved cutting out dairy, which makes me (of course) go wtf? Unless you're lactose intolerant and have never heard of Lactaid pills, WHY? Are you still operating under the faulty assumption that saturated fat is bad for you? Go read a book. Also? Cheese tastes like the inverse of kale. Sunshine and joy! I dunno, something like that anyway.  Likewise, a lot of the healthier suggestions involved pushing your recipes to the vegan side.  As a weightlifter, you know that makes me clutch my pearlsVersagripps.  Proteinz! Where's the proteinz?!!??

And then there's the question of what's a healthier sweetener.  Molasses and maple syrup seem to be trumpeted as somehow better for you than sugar.  Because they're less processed. Or something. Molasses especially is supposed to be full of micronutrients. Listen, I will take a multivitamin every day for the rest of my life if it means I never ever have to consume molasses. But, parenthetically, I will consume molasses above attending the "conquer your sweet tooth" hypnosis workshop at the yoga studio I sometimes go to.  What's next? A hypnosis workshop on how not to have orgasms?  Some people want your entire life to taste like dirt and unhappiness. God.

Listen, I understand the impulse to eat something other than cookies after all the holiday food comas are done. I've been craving and eating salad. My salads involves goat cheese and craisins and homemade balsamic vinaigrette, yes, but also lots and lots of dark leafy greens. Moderation, people!

And if you've read this far, here's a reward for you.

That song's been stuck in my head for two weeks. Hopefully I've now ear-wormed you too. Full service blog!

I bet Adam Levine eats kale.  I hear he does yoga.


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